Grieving Mothers vs. Grieving Fathers
ByIt is helpful in understanding the grieving process to acknowledge the difference in how typical fathers experience grieving and what typical mothers experience.
Not that any father or mother is typical. Rather, we in society tend to assign common expectations to how we expect a mother to react to the death of her child. These patterns are different from those we would assign to fathers experiencing the same grief.
The bond that mothers have with their child occurs early. From the time of conception the bond continues to grow emotionally and the needs of the child after birth enrich that bond. Fathers, on the other hand, tend to experience a growing bond somewhat later and it tends to be fueled by their vision and their dreams for the child’s future. Although more and more fathers are showing up in delivery rooms, fathers typically feel an increased sense of responsibility before the emotional bond begins to grow. Even differences of this sort have an influence on how the individual parent will grieve.
The biggest differences, however, are based in the way society has historically dictated the roles of each. Fathers are supposed to be the rocks. They are supposed to be largely unaffected, in control, handling the details and decisions surrounding the death, showing no outward signs of grief. They are to be effective comforters of their grief-stricken wives. They often get little or no acknowledgement that they may be suffering and need counsel and guidance as well. Little effort has been made to educate fathers that their grief is real and must be expressed in some manner.
In effect, society has placed a heavy burden on grieving fathers, often denying them their right to a period of legitimate grief. They are encouraged to “take a couple of days off” and then get back to the grind of making a living and supporting the family while stifling whatever grief may be burning inside. The one thing that experts agree on is that grief must be expressed. If fathers are not encouraged to express their grief, to talk about it with their partner, family, friends or professional caregivers, it will someday surface in some form. Fathers need to grieve. It is critical that fathers fully understand the situation they are in and that they make a conscious decision to do two things: 1) Decide to reject the notion that they should conform to society’s ignorant expectations that they need to “act like a man”, and 2) Make a conscious decision to express their grief to their spouse, family and friends. A father needs to talk about the memory of his son or daughter, the things he was most proud of for them, his hopes and dreams for them, what he will remember most about them, happy memorable times experienced. His wife needs to share the same kinds of things with him.
In doing these things, the father will communicate much more effectively with his wife, and together they can decide how they will educate their family and friends about preserving the memory of their child. Because extended family and friends tend to be uneducated about the way to best help grieving parents and because of all the variables involved, grieving parents can find a common ground to talk through the idea of what they want to tell family, extended family and friends about what may be meaningful to them moving ahead in relation to comments and actions sustaining the memory of their child. Most parents tend to fear most that the life of their child will be forgotten. I think that is what made my cousin’s sister so appreciative of my letter after visiting the Viet Nam War Memorial. Without considering it at the time, I gave her hope and presented real evidence that his memory was alive and that he was being remembered within the family.
The grieving parents can provide a valuable service to those interested in helping them move ahead. Discussing the guidelines of what comforts them and what doesn’t, what they hope for and what they expect, and what actions would be meaningful to them with a few trusted family members will usually mean that the rest of the family and friends base will be informed through word of mouth. The result will be that friends and family will be more confident and willing to help out as they can, because they know what is considered helpful and what is not.
This may be especially necessary with parents who have lost a child to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). This unexplained event may leave the parents wrestling with guilt, wondering if they made some kind of terrible mistake, when in reality there was nothing they could have done and no blame to place. Still the parents may face hurtful questions from law enforcement officials and ignorant neighbors or family members. Most people have very little knowledge about this event and tend to assume that the parents must have done something wrong; or at least, could have done something to prevent the occurrence. So they will be called upon to educate their family and friends about what SIDS actually is and what is known about it. Then they can share their feelings about how they will honor the memory of their child.
Perhaps all of this information does little but confirm just how much the death of a child can bring confusion, shock, anger, frustration and all of the rest to grieving parents. Maybe one of the struggles that parents have is not being able to determine which emotion it is that has a grasp on their throat at the moment. This is one reason they must talk seriously and frequently with their spouse. Openness and communication can help each of them understand what they are feeling and help the other spouse understand how best to support them through the challenge of the moment.