There Is Supposed To Be A Cycle But Not All Of Us Have The Cycle In the Same Order

When the cycle of life changes to the cycle of loss and grief

Ask any parent who has lost a child and they will tell you that the grief process is a lifelong journey that cannot be rushed or taken lightly.  The process has to happen or healing will not occur.  Once unbelieving parents can tell you that after years of thinking healing had taken place, they discover raw emotions were just pushed aside and never dealt with properly. 

 Grieving is the expected and normal response to loss.  It is imperative that the stages of grief are allowed to progress naturally.  Below you will find a brief description of the seven stages of grief, or the grief cycle.

Shock is how the body protects itself.  This response elicits lack of emotion or disbelief in what is happening.

Denial is an active phase of grief.  The response is verbal and emotional in nature.

Bargaining is human nature.  You find yourself making deals with yourself or with God or a higher power for a change in the circumstances.

Guilt comes rushing in, and you begin to blame yourself.  If only you had done this or that. 

Anger is a very powerful stage of grief.  You become angry with yourself, with God or a higher power, with others around you. 

Depression sets in when you realize that this is real and you cannot change it.  You are helpless.  You have no choice.  You must suffer through it.

Acceptance will finally come when you realize that life goes on and you must go on with it. 

The grieving cycle is a very individual process.  You may spend days in one stage of grief, followed by years in another.  You may bounce among the stages, finally settling on the next one.  You may grieve for a few months and feel acceptance, only to take steps backward more than once.  Or you may work through it and feel solid acceptance without regression. 

Many of us need help working through our grief.  Group therapy, individual counseling, and peer-support therapy are positive choices.  An especially useful resource can be found at www.compassionatefriends.org.  This group supports parents who have lost a child in any way and at any age.  Find the support you need to work through your grief in the most positive and healthy manner possible.

One of the most painful things that can happen in the world is to lose a child before he or she has even started walking.  The innocence and helplessness of infants make their deaths unfair and wrong.  This tragedy may seem ten times worse when an infant dies as a result of his or her sleeping environment.  Parents blame themselves for creating hazardous sleeping environments.  The guilt of having been part of the cause of their child’s death may be difficult to minimize.  The effects of an infant’s death by a hazardous sleeping environment on a family are numerous. 

Reports show that certain sleeping environments can kill infants.  For example, having too many blankets or fluffy pillows in a crib where infants could suffocate by turning their faces against them, is one way a sleeping environment can be hazardous to an infant.  A controversial topic on sleeping environments for infants has been the parents’ bed.  Some argue that it is an unsafe environment for infants while others argue that there is no certain proof that it is unsafe for infants.

 Are Adult Beds Dangerous For Infants?

The Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) claims that bed-sharing is dangerous for infants.  Infants sleeping in adult beds can die from suffocation or strangulation, falling, or getting trapped in certain crevices around the bed.  When thought of this way, it is easy to see why parents should not keep their infants in bed with them.  However, other studies have shown that bed-sharing is not quite as great of a danger as the CPSC has claimed.

Arguments against the CPSC has stemmed from a long human history of keeping infants in bed with parents.  For as long back as can be remembered, infants have slept in the same beds as their parents and have not died.  This sleeping environment is still practiced today all over the world.  A study done by the National Institute of Health and Human Development found that this bed-sharing controversy might exist only in more developed western countries.  Children of other cultures and of lower-income families often share beds with their parents.

There are four main reasons why the CPSC’s claims may not be credible:

* The CPSC’s main mission is to protect people from fatalities and injuries caused by consumer products.  It is not an expert on child safety or childcare and may not make extreme claims in these areas.

* The data used in the CPSC’s study is not complete.  A comparative argument cannot be made if there is only one set of data, especially if this data supports the CPSC’s argument.  One cannot argue that adult beds caused X number of infants to die and not report that adults beds did not cause X number of infants to die.

* The CPSC’s study is biased.  It needs to take a more objective view of infants sharing adult beds.  If this study is to be valid, each infant’s death needs to be treated the same, regardless of class or race.

* The CPSC needs to consider cultural practices.  Different cultures view the idea of infants sleeping in parents’ beds differently.

Facing Unresolved Grief: Why Recovering Pain is Good for You

Janice did not shed a single tear when her father died. In fact, she was the rock of strength everyone clung to: she made sure everyone was taken cared of, she arranged the funeral service and even attended to all the paperwork like signing the death certificate and making insurance claims.

Five years later, Janice found herself in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Her husband was involved in a minor vehicular accident and it triggered an intense reaction from her— a rather exaggerated reaction compared to what the situation warrants (no one was even scratched in the said accident). Suddenly Janice was experiencing uncontrollable crying spells, loss of interest in work and sleep disorders. No friend or family can console Janice out of the melancholy she found herself intoWhat Janice is experiencing five years after her father’ death is unresolved grief surfacing. Her reaction to the accident is extreme because it’s not the only thing she is reacting to. She is reacting to a loss that she did not allow herself to face before.

 How is this possible?

Losing a loved one is inevitably painful. In fact, the death of someone special is arguably the worst thing one can experience in this life. With physical death come other losses— the loss of dreams, possibilities and opportunities. The people we grieve were parts of our life and it is difficult to face the reality that we will never spend time or touch them again.  More so, if our relationship with them was particularly complicated, we are not just left with the pain of loss but also the pain of guilt, unspoken anger or unfulfilled need.

Therefore, it is understandable that some of us defend ourselves from the hurt that comes with bereavement. We try to distract ourselves, make light of the situation or like Janice, we become official busybodies to numb ourselves from the onslaught of emotion.

This is a defense mechanism called repression— we try to bury feelings that we cannot handle. But the thing with repressed emotion is that it doesn’t stay repressed for long. Feelings do not go away unless we acknowledge, accept and own them; they just simmer beneath the surface. In fact, shutting out pain makes us shut ourselves out of so many things in this life. We may not be aware that we are overly protecting ourselves as we relate with others. All it would take is a trigger — in Janice’s case the fear of losing another loved one—for grief to surface.

The only way to deal with grief is to let it run its course. Remember that grieving is normal— we feel pain because we have lost something dear to us. In fact, going through grief means that we recognize that someone is a part of us and that things will never be quite the same. There is no shame in needing to go through grieving. It is a way to heal, a way to move on.

 STAGES OF LOSS

The late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote about the stages of loss people go through in her 1969 book Death and Dying. According to her, those who experience grief go through five predictable stages. They are:

 Denial: In the first stage of loss, we tell ourselves that the loss is not happening, couldn’t be true or is not as painful. Sometimes we deny by making a joke about things or by distracting ourselves.

Anger: As we gradually come to accept the reality of a loss, we might become angry. We may ask “Why me?” or “Why him (or her)?” We rebel at the unfairness and randomness of it all. Some of us dealing with grief get angry with ourselves, at the person who died, at those around us and even at God.

Bargaining: We may also try to negotiate our way out of the pain. “I will do anything to bring him back” or “If you take this pain away, I will start to do this and that…” Bargaining is a way of trying to regain personal control over something that cannot be controlled. At times it is productive, particularly when the bargaining results in proactive change. There are times though when we are negotiating an impossibility. The latter can get us stuck in the grieving stage for long.

Sadness/Depression: And lastly before acceptance, we go through sadness and even depression. Sadness connotes release of all denying defenses and finally accepting the loss—and feeling the appropriate emotion that comes with it. It is said that only when we let sadness run its course can we move towards finally accepting that which is gone.

Acceptance: Lastly is acceptance. For some, acceptance takes the form of resignation— a surrender that we cannot really do anything about loss and we just learn to live without our deceased loved one. The better kind of acceptance though is integration—letting go, saying goodbye and finding meaning with the fact that they have become a part of our lives. If one lives life in faith, then acceptance also means trust in the Lord’s plan for the departed and those they left behind.

Kübler-Ross clarified that the stages are not always chronological: we can go to anger and then back to denial again. Not everyone go through all these five stages too— some can go immediately to sadness and acceptance without passing through the first three—but most experience at least two of the stages. The duration of the whole process and the length of “stuckness” in one stage depend on the individual and his or her readiness.

But the more important point to remember is that there are normal emotions that we go through when we experience loss. What we need to do to move on is not to set these emotions aside but to accept them. Let ourselves feel them in their fullness no matter how painful. Let ourselves express them in the most appropriate way possible. It is only by getting in touch with loss can we find meaning in them.

For a parent losing a child is the most dreadful experience. Nobody can understand the pain and anguish of a person who is faced with a situation where they can’t see or feel there child anymore. The child is a part of you, your own flesh and blood.

Often people are faced with the additional stress of trying to save their marriage after the painful incident. The day you give birth to your child you don’t ever imagine that such a calamity will befall you where you will have to bury your child. The pain that you feel in such a situation is incomprehensible for somebody who has not gone through it. At such times often a strain comes in your marriage sometimes because one of the partners blames the other for the child’s death. Once a friend’s 11 year old drowned in a pond of muddy water while he was playing the father of the child blamed the mother for his death. Whereas she was also going through the same pain and it was not something that she could have done anything about. An 11 year old will go out to play and no parent can constantly keep an eye on what the child is doing.

Some people feel that the death of a child spells death of the marriage especially so if the child was the only common link between the couple. Research has though proved otherwise, its only 16% of such marriages that actually end. Often when a couple is unable to save their marriage they blame it on the death of the child. The reasons for the break up could be many; one could be that either of the partners never really came to terms with the death of the child. They kept blaming the other partner for the death either outwardly or in their hearts.

At times just having a partner besides you helps relieve the pain. It has been found that the initial 6 months after the death of a child are the testing period, in this period they could either grow closer together or fall apart. During this phase some couples break up. They feel that there is no meaning to their marriage anymore. If you take care of some of the things mentioned below your marriage may survive this storm.

1. Get a good understanding of your partner’s grief. They usually come in 5 stages. The first one is denial which is followed by anger and shock. Later this leads to depression and after that there is acceptance. The stage that takes the longest period is depression. This is the most difficult and this is actually when the partner needs the help of the other to get to the next level.

2. You have to understand that men and women express their pain differently. Men try to act tough and do not show their pain whereas females need to express it and throw it out.

3. Avoid accusing each other. Please accept the death of the child as God’s will rather than blaming it on the other.

After the death of a child many things need to be taken care of. Many people have to be notified about the death. It could be the school where the child studied, the registrar’s office, your family and friends. A difficult job has to be done and that is winding up your child’s things and packing them away.

This task is very difficult because it represents a sense of closure. It has a ring of finality about it. Winding up everything and finally putting all the belongings of the child together is the most difficult burden that the parents have to bear. Everything you touch will remind you about the child. There will be the child’s clothes, books, his playthings. His food bowl all will make you miss him all the more. Everything around the house will remind you of the child, his cheerful presence, his dreams, desires and aspirations. This is more so because everything in the house in a way represents your child.

Many of your family and friends who mean well immediately start suggesting that you get rid of the child’s things. Some of your family and friends will also offer to help you with this chore. Be assertive and tell them to leave the things alone. People may not be able to understand your feelings and maybe even you would not have understood them if things were reversed.

Occasionally parents leave the child’s things untouched and preserve the things as they are. It might bother some people and may feel awkward at times. But if you feel that you want to do it that way then just listen to your heart. When it is the right time to part with the child’s belongings you will be able to do it. It is quite possible that it may take you a lot of time to actually get the task done but it is alright to take your time. After all it is your pain and loss and you have every right to grieve over it.

There are many tough decisions to take when you are trying to put all your child’s things aside. You might keep wondering should you just pack his toys or should you give it to a charity. Remember this is your personal choice and do whatever makes you comfortable. You can take as much time as you wish to decide what you want to do with your child’s belongings. Once you allow things to settle and your hurt and grief lessens then maybe you will be able to come to terms with your loss. You may even like to keep few of the child’s belongings as a cherished memory.

In this case you might finally wonder when it will be suitable to pack the child’s belongings. Again there is no definite answer to this. It totally depends on you. You have to decide when you want to part with your child’s things or if they want to part with it at all.

Parting with your child’s things is painful so take your time before you do it or if you don’t ever want to do it that too is fine. Give yourself time before you pack your child’s playthings as with time everything heals and maybe over a period of time you will come to terms with the loss.

Few days back a friend called me and informed me that she had lost her baby that she had been pregnant for just 24 weeks. The saddest part was that people about whom she thought that they cared for her wouldn’t even let her talk about her feelings. They in fact just said but the baby was never really born. They even tried to console her by saying that she was very young and she would have more children. While the second half maybe true but that doesn’t mean that she will not feel the loss of her child. She couldn’t understand why they couldn’t comprehend her pain and why were they being so callous when it was her child who had died.

It is sad but true that most of us try to avoid discussing the topic of death. We just don’t feel comfortable talking about it. One reason for this is that none of us really understand death so we avoid talking about it. Its  not as if we don’t understand how and when death occurs, we know that the heart or lungs stoop functioning and the person stops breathing but nobody knows what happens to a person after he or she dies. It is the soul which is supposed to live on forever. Some people believe in the concept of heaven and hell but again nobody knows for sure what exactly happens once you are dead.

There is a singular lack of knowledge about the concept of death and because of it people prefer to keep mum every time a death is mentioned. This is more so when a newborn dies or when a miscarriage happens.

Such a death is usually a double death and perhaps it is this that makes it all the more difficult to mourn. Firstly the mother loses a baby and secondly she often has to undergo a complicated hospitalization process.

Firstly the woman loses her baby and secondly she has to face the harsh reality that something that was a part of her is gone permanently. To lose a part of your body is not easy and when it is a baby it is very difficult for the mother.

To add salt to the wound the death of the baby is also the death of her hopes and aspirations she had for the baby and herself. She already had dreams of what she would name the child and how it will grow up. What it will become in life. All the dreams of the future and expectations from a child that were in her heart died with the miscarriage. This is what is meant by double death. First a part of her body dies and along with that death all her aspirations die. Worst is nobody wants to share her grief. They only think that it was unborn so it should not give her so much pain. They in fact treat death as a matter of fact thing they just don’t feel sad about it.

What is really sad is that at such a time the woman actually needs the support of her near and dear ones. She needs a few reassuring hugs from her friends and not just silence.

Miscarriage can be likened to the death of a member of the family.

Different cultures have different ways to commemorate the death of a loved one. There is a feeling that when life comes to an end it should be marked by a ceremony.  Death is acknowledged as a ceremony so that the individual who lived in our midst a life full of flesh and blood his end does not go unnoticed. It also means that we should mourn for some time and then come to terms with God’s will.

It is accepted that we need to mourn for some time and then we learn to bow before God’s will and accept things as they are. It is sad but true that though with a miscarriage a baby dies yet parents do not get this kind of healing time as often there is no funeral ceremony.

However don’t despair though society doesn’t have a recognized ritual to mark the death of an unborn child you can commemorate the death of your baby in a way that makes meaning to you and makes you feel that you have honored your precious baby who never got the chance to see the light of the day.

Pregnancy is often personal and often we do not share it with others till it becomes visible. Yet for you it was real, there was life inside you breathing. You had felt the joy of motherhood and the possibility of a life being alive inside you. You had dreams and aspirations for this child. You may have special memories of when the news came to you that you had conceived. When you commemorate this miscarriage you can relive all the cherished moments and recall the gift of life that lit up your life like a brief candle.

Commemorating the death also helps you face the reality that your baby has died. It is making a clear statement that a death in the family has occurred. The lack of appropriate response from the community suggests that all that has happened is the death of some cells. For you the magnitude of that loss is immense as it is the death of your baby.

Most people fail to understand that miscarriage is as much a death of a family member as a baby that dies after its birth because the mother suffers the same pain. When you commemorate a miscarriage you are in a way trying to show to the society that they should be sensitive towards this kind of a loss as it was very painful to the parents.

Think and plan how you want to commemorate the death of your child. You could do so by planting a tree or maybe visit to children’s home where you could spend a day with some children and bring back cherished memories of those lovely faces and in their shiny and eager faces you could perhaps see the face of your lost child. By commemorating this day you will add fond memories of the unborn child.

It is sad but it is true that people keep losing their children to the cruel hands of death. Parents often have to face this devastating reality and it usually completely shatters them. Parents have to bear this painful news and carry on the business of living which is very painful for them.

This painful truth of life somehow never manages to fit in with the scheme of things. This painful somehow keeps festering like a sore wound in life’s canvas and parents are the hapless victims of this. For the parents who survive the death of a child, all there is left is a heart wrenching agony and pain that never seems to leave them. The loss of all the dreams and hopes that they had for their child whether it was a miscarriage or the child dying is too unbearable.

This is indeed a great tragedy but something that would be worse would be if you do not learn to understand to understand the pain of others who are faced with a similar situation. Some important lessons of life that other parents have shared and from which all can learn are mentioned below.

Even though different individuals have suffered the same loss and they may have been parents for many years yet the inner sense of loss and grief are felt and expressed differently by different individuals. It is not that either of the partners has felt a greater pain but each may deal with it differently.

It is very important that the couple should have a strong and consistent emotional system of support. Of course till you have seen and felt this painful tragedy you can’t relate to the pain that the parents feel.  Yet your presence and willingness to stand by them in this hour of grief can go a long way in making them feel emotionally secure.

If the child had siblings please don’t neglect them. Their needs should also be addressed. They also have felt the loss greatly.  Please don’t ignore the relatives also, particularly, if they were grandparents, who strongly miss their grandchild. They have double the sense of grief because they have lost a grandchild and also they see their child suffering because of the loss.

Allow your close friends too offer support and accept their help gladly. Remember they are just doing what good friends always do. Just as you would support your friends when they need you similarly they are offering you support embrace their help. Remember you are lucky to have a supportive family and friends who are ready to stand by you when you need them and be thankful to God that he has given you this exceptional support system.

As you move on with the business of living and move on towards a more emotionally whole personality and leave this hurtful past behind just remember that time and a deep sense of love will erase all the pain that is their in your heart and it will be replaced by a deep sadness that will make you humble and a better human being.

The loss in miscarriage

It is often said that shared loss and grief often brings people closer but in the case of couples it may be the other way round. Occasionally people may unite often it might just increase the distance between them. Follow these tips to avoid causing stress to your marriage because of a loss of pregnancy.

1. Allow each other space to grieve individually. It is easy to feel that your way is the best way it may not necessarily be the way your partner wants to express their grief. If you spouse maintains a calm demeanor don’t think that they are hard hearted and that have not felt the loss. Accept that everybody expresses grief in a different manner and men often hide their pain. They are programmed to act tough.

 2. Try to recall the good times. Try doing the activities you used to enjoy doing together even if you wish to just sit and moan the loss.

 3. Accept that times are tough. Be patient with your spouse and remember that even you may not be on your best behavior during such a time.

 4. Avoid shouting at each other or making hurtful remarks. In a state when you both are grieving unjustified remarks will further widen the gap between you two. Try to look for more constructive ways to let go off the grief and pain.

 5. Accept that there will be a change. When people are suddenly faced with grief and pain they just don’t know how to cope with it and the stress of this is often reflected in their relationships. Make a decision that this grief will bond you more and pledge towards your relationship even more strongly.

 6. Reach out to each other. Avoid being alone and or share your grief with others. It is very important that you connect with your partner on such an occasion. 7. Don’t blame each other. If you start accusing each other it will widen the gap in the relationship. Please remember at this time it is normal to feel bad and also feel angry or guilty. Just avoid further deepening the sense of pain by hurling hurtful words at each other.

8. Try to remember the love that you have felt for each other. Don’t forget to hug each other and cuddle up. Share the love that you both need to feel emotionally secure. Do not give a backseat to your sexual life.

 9. Share information and emotionally support each other. Try to understand your feelings of grief and support each other. If you are unable to come to terms with your grief and the gap between you two is widening then try to see a counselor. Don’t allow this grief to break up your marriage. Don’t delay seeking help

Please remember coping with the loss of a child is not easy for either of the partners. It is very important that you two stay bonded in the hour of your grief so that your marriage does not suffer because of the loss.

I recently had this conversation with my son.

Ryan is now 28 years old, he and his brother were very close, just 2 years apart. Ryan talks about the fun and fond memories with Neil and focuses on how Neil would have he if saw us all falling apart and what has become of our lives. He has shared that Neil live and loved life, was the heart and soul of the party, loved by his friends and could be a real pain in the but when he called for a ride home at 3am. Ryan said there were times I would ignore the call but I knew he would be fine as he would be able to crash at a friend’s house.

Ryan moved out at of the house to live with his girlfriend when he was 20 and has a very full life, so he would see Neil when he came up to the house to visit, they would have fun watch movies and we would do family night and Sunday dinners. We missed Ryan very much but he was there and I cold talk to him and see him.

Neil on the other hand moved out twice, had fun, and when the money ran out would call Mum to come and get him, of which I was always excited to do. I was the Mum that never wanted my boys to leave and Neil filled my life, whether he was the complete sweetheart, making us a cup of tea as we came home for work, made supper for us, or whether we were nagging him every day to go out and get a job, went shopping with me or filled the house with his parting friends. But he was with us and in our thoughts every moment of the time, and then suddenly gone. I guess Neil was more of the just filled more of our lives as he was s always there being a worry if he wasn’t home of a joy to be around when he was. He would even go shopping with us, usually if there was a t shirt or hat involved, but the point was he filled our lives in every way.

So Ryan and I have very different outlooks on how we miss him, He feels as if it’s time to begin to move forward to see friends again, go back to a work routine. But I struggle every day I cannot move forward, I am stuck as one Neil is gone along with the huge part of my life, where I cannot fill the void. I am working through things with counsellors; psychiatrists have been to natural therapies and every other way. I want parts of my life back even though it will never be normal. Ryan wants the best for me, but he has a full life that goes on and my life was my children and what I had envisioned for the future.

So our differences are so great; the time we spend with child versus the time sibling spend together; whether they were involved or witnessed the death a variety of circumstances how full your land their life is life is after.

We just have to accept each other’s grief is different and always will, and maybe when they hold their baby in their arms they will understand the overwhelming love for their child and you would die for this precious child you hold in your arms and love forever.

What has been your experience?