The Difference Between the Loss of a Child and an Adult

Facing Unresolved Grief: Why Recovering Pain is Good for You

Janice did not shed a single tear when her father died. In fact, she was the rock of strength everyone clung to: she made sure everyone was taken cared of, she arranged the funeral service and even attended to all the paperwork like signing the death certificate and making insurance claims.

Five years later, Janice found herself in the midst of a nervous breakdown. Her husband was involved in a minor vehicular accident and it triggered an intense reaction from her— a rather exaggerated reaction compared to what the situation warrants (no one was even scratched in the said accident). Suddenly Janice was experiencing uncontrollable crying spells, loss of interest in work and sleep disorders. No friend or family can console Janice out of the melancholy she found herself into Read More→

Saving Your Marriage After You Lose a Child

For a parent losing a child is the most dreadful experience. Nobody can understand the pain and anguish of a person who is faced with a situation where they can’t see or feel there child anymore. The child is a part of you, your own flesh and blood.

Often people are faced with the additional stress of trying to save their marriage after the painful incident. The day you give birth to your child you don’t ever imagine that such a calamity will befall you where you will have to bury your child. The pain that you feel in such a situation is incomprehensible for somebody who has not gone through it. At such times often a strain comes in your marriage sometimes because one of the partners blames the other for the child’s death. Once a friend’s 11 year old drowned in a pond of muddy water while he was playing the father of the child blamed the mother for his death. Whereas she was also going through the same pain and it was not something that she could have done anything about. An 11 year old will go out to play and no parent can constantly keep an eye on what the child is doing.

Some people feel that the death of a child spells death of the marriage especially so if the child was the only common link between the couple. Research has though proved otherwise, its only 16% of such marriages that actually end. Often when a couple is unable to save their marriage they blame it on the death of the child. The reasons for the break up could be many; one could be that either of the partners never really came to terms with the death of the child. They kept blaming the other partner for the death either outwardly or in their hearts.

At times just having a partner besides you helps relieve the pain. It has been found that the initial 6 months after the death of a child are the testing period, in this period they could either grow closer together or fall apart. During this phase some couples break up. They feel that there is no meaning to their marriage anymore. If you take care of some of the things mentioned below your marriage may survive this storm.

1. Get a good understanding of your partner’s grief. They usually come in 5 stages. The first one is denial which is followed by anger and shock. Later this leads to depression and after that there is acceptance. The stage that takes the longest period is depression. This is the most difficult and this is actually when the partner needs the help of the other to get to the next level.

2. You have to understand that men and women express their pain differently. Men try to act tough and do not show their pain whereas females need to express it and throw it out.

3. Avoid accusing each other. Please accept the death of the child as God’s will rather than blaming it on the other.

Packing up Your Lost Child’s Belongings – The Most Difficult Job

After the death of a child many things need to be taken care of. Many people have to be notified about the death. It could be the school where the child studied, the registrar’s office, your family and friends. A difficult job has to be done and that is winding up your child’s things and packing them away.

This task is very difficult because it represents a sense of closure. It has a ring of finality about it. Winding up everything and finally putting all the belongings of the child together is the most difficult burden that the parents have to bear. Everything you touch will remind you about the child. There will be the child’s clothes, books, his playthings. His food bowl all will make you miss him all the more. Everything around the house will remind you of the child, his cheerful presence, his dreams, desires and aspirations. This is more so because everything in the house in a way represents your child.

Many of your family and friends who mean well immediately start suggesting that you get rid of the child’s things. Some of your family and friends will also offer to help you with this chore. Be assertive and tell them to leave the things alone. People may not be able to understand your feelings and maybe even you would not have understood them if things were reversed.

Occasionally parents leave the child’s things untouched and preserve the things as they are. It might bother some people and may feel awkward at times. But if you feel that you want to do it that way then just listen to your heart. When it is the right time to part with the child’s belongings you will be able to do it. It is quite possible that it may take you a lot of time to actually get the task done but it is alright to take your time. After all it is your pain and loss and you have every right to grieve over it.

There are many tough decisions to take when you are trying to put all your child’s things aside. You might keep wondering should you just pack his toys or should you give it to a charity. Remember this is your personal choice and do whatever makes you comfortable. You can take as much time as you wish to decide what you want to do with your child’s belongings. Once you allow things to settle and your hurt and grief lessens then maybe you will be able to come to terms with your loss. You may even like to keep few of the child’s belongings as a cherished memory.

In this case you might finally wonder when it will be suitable to pack the child’s belongings. Again there is no definite answer to this. It totally depends on you. You have to decide when you want to part with your child’s things or if they want to part with it at all.

Parting with your child’s things is painful so take your time before you do it or if you don’t ever want to do it that too is fine. Give yourself time before you pack your child’s playthings as with time everything heals and maybe over a period of time you will come to terms with the loss.

  Getting Through the Holiday Season

    For many families, the Holiday Season is the toughest time of year. Everywhere there are songs, lights and advertisements that push us to feel the cheer of the holiday. There is almost a frantic insistence on being happy and light hearted. There is also an emphasis on families being together, traditions and on gift giving. While all these things may be mildly annoying to some, to grieving parents they can be devastating.

Knowing the barrage of pain is ahead doesn’t necessarily help, although it gives us the opportunity to remove ourselves from the melee. Daily we are faced with the challenge of the season and what it represents in the face of profound loss and grief. It can leave us disoriented and wishing we could just skip the whole thing. But there is hope. There are ways to get through. And we can find meaning in the season again, with time and new traditions.

 Maybe the most basic thing to remember is to be flexible and act on your needs rather than the demands of the season. If making the traditional dinner is too full of memories, go out to a restaurant. Some people may not like your decision, but is your holiday.  If it is too painful to send Christmas cards, don’t. If shopping for gifts brings back too many memories, see if a friend can do it for you.

 Some families have found that creating new traditions helps them honor the Holiday and their child as well. One family lost a gregarious high school boy to an auto accident. At Christmas they invited his friends over to decorate a tree in remembrance of their son. Each friend made or brought something that connected them and said a few words as they hung the ornaments on the memory tree. Another family found that having a small tree with pictures of their child as ornaments helped them feel that the child was with them. The family of a nature loving daughter found comfort in decorating a tree outside with strings of popcorn and cranberries and suet cakes for the birds and little animals to eat. Many families burn a candle for their child.

 The ways to reinvent the Holidays are as infinite and varied as the families who have lost a loved one. Remember, it is your holiday. You can do what you need to, what your family wants, what will help you heal.

 AnnK

DEATH OF AN ONLY CHILD OR ALL CHILDREN

The death of an only child or all children compounds bereavement. You experience similar problems and pain as bereaved parents with surviving children. However, being childless deepens the heartache as you confront the future.

Death has stilled the music of your child’s laughter. Your world is standing still, there is a complete emptiness, the dreams of weddings, grandchildren and the future you had always dreamt of has disappeared.

This is my life; this is not how it was meant to be, how dare this happen to me. You feel empty and alone, deeply hurt and there is no depths to the pain you feel, your mind races, I never wanted to be alone, who will visit me, who will fill the gaps of my dreams. Panic sets in amongst the numbness, shall I adopt, shall I foster. Who will come and see me in my old age. I don’t even have my children’s friends to visit, I am avoided as people are so uncomfortable and I avoid people as I cannot bare to see them carry on with their life, their children are getting married, having babies, they are laughing and celebrating occasions, but not me.

So what do you do in the moments between wanting to end your world or to fighting to survive you have to find a way to create a new reality in the lucid moments as to what to do for your survival.

You do not know how to pick up the pieces of your shattered life. You may think there is no reason to exist and most days there are not but you stay on this planet because you cannot make anyone suffer as much as you have.

These thoughts and feelings are a normal part of the grief process; you want to run away to another planet where nobody knows you and does not ask you are and where you came from. You want to remain anonymous, yet the loneliness is agonizing, you desperately need people to feel what you feel, even if only for a few minutes, just to understand a little of what you go through every moment.

Drugs to sedate will only do so much, so as you go about your fog in your stolen life you have to create a new reality, with new people, sometimes a new place and with a new career possibly; everything you can do to start your new illusion in front of everyone else.

But we know there is only so long we can keep this going, some of us longer than others, some for a few months and some for years. But eventually the pain will eat holes in you if you do not connect with society again, as we are creatures that need other people and community to help us heal. We however need to decide on the type of community we need at the time. Which might be a case of moving back to what we know or to take off to another country and start over, and neither is wrong for what we need.

The main point is we cannot run away forever, wherever we go there we shall be with all of our pain in tow. We will need counselling; therapy, support a new vision, and often that vision or goal has to be bigger than who we are, so we will be able to get to absorbed into something that takes away from our pain. You need to give yourself time and allow adequate time to grieve in your own way, whether you need to change jobs and work in a stress free environment putting sprinkles on donuts, taking off to a new country or becoming an advocate for a cause you are passionate about. You do whatever you have to do for you; you have suffered the greatest injury you will ever experience. You will heal so slowly and you may not know you are healing, but when you are ready you will find the strength passion and fight to re create your new reality.

Reach out, find strength and share with us, we feel some of your pain, though no one can ever fully understand another person’s pain we will try and at least have an inkling of what you feel.

Many Hugs,

Andrea

Marie Osmond’s Son Dies After Apparently Dealing with the Painful Battle of Suicide

Ttagedgy and Loss Again’  Entertainment Tonight  reported Marie Osmond’s son dies in Los Angeles Friday after what appears to be a suicide, jumping from an apartment building; Michael, suffered with depression and an attempt for treatment was made at the age of age of 17.

Michaela Blosil.was just 18 years old was one of 5 children adopted by Marie when she married Michael  her 2nd , the entertainer said Saturday.
Officers responded to an apparent suicide jump in the area, but the victim was not identified Saturday, Los Angeles Police Officer Gregory Baek said. “My family and I are devastated and in deep shock by the tragic loss of our dear Michael and ask that everyone respect our privacy during this difficult time,” Marie Osmond said in the statement.
Michaels Blosil reportedly left a note which referred to a lifelong battle with depression and in 2007, Osmond said Michael was treated at a rehabilitation facility, but she didn’t disclose the nature of his problem.
Donny Osmond, Michaels’s uncle, told Entertainment Tonight: “Please pray for my sister and her family.”

I get so frustrated, so many people want to know the details and the gossip behind the headlines, I want to know the why and what can we do about this, where can we help and what is causing this on-going increase in suicide?
What is going on with our teens and the increasing rate of suicide. The rate is alarming and seems to be increasing, being form the UK I keep in touch with what is happening there also. The town of Bridgend in Wales where I lived for my teen years is supposed to have one of the highest rates in the UK.

So what can the causes be and even more importantly what are the answers;?, are our children being poisoned with chemicals in their diet, is it the lack of connection in our fast paced world of texting and phoning and not being connected to real life, the feeling of hopelessness we hear on the news daily. We need answers and fast, we cannot keep loosing our children and adults for that matter to the rate we are. We are is a crisis, we talk about the environment,which is extremely important, but the children are our future and without them what will ne needed of the environment without a population to sustain and live and love it.
The pain and blame we suffer whatever happens when we loose a child is devastating but when there is suicide involved we are possibly in even more pain because we are at a loss as to what to do and where to go. Often the help takes too long to come with the lack of psychiatrists or misdiagnosis or we may have missed the warning signs as them being just grumpy teens going through their hormonal stages.
And even worse, when symptoms are not caught or treated properly children like a river will find alternate routes to and find the path of least resistance, which often leaves them to drugs, alcohol, a and other people who have already fallen through the cracks to fill what they think they are needs that they are missing.
I suffered with depression to a degree all of my life, but a great actress always able to hide what was happening in my life, no one ever knew, I looked like the most confident person out there and struggled in the background with high high’s and low, low’s but who know. And when I got older, well I was a girl so I was hormonal, when I went to the Dr. after having my children and suffered with extreme worries about Nuclear Wars and how would I protect my kids and how would I cope if something happened to them? “I would just die, if anything ever happened to them” and I still feel that way after losing Neil, but I cannot put anyone else through the pain I feel.
And for so many of us this is “normal” to varying degrees, but we get ignored and where to we go for help. Until a major crisis where something so devastating such as the loss of a child happens, and when it does, it is deemed that the loss has caused the depression, which it most certainly has but it is a case where you are not only dealing with the grief but it has exacerbated and becomes entwined with the loss, and only until years later you may get acknowledged that the grief and depression are not totally connected, maybe there was a level of depression before….Yam You for that!
But often too late, especially for a child, when they have no idea as r=to what is happening, not knowing how to talk to a Dr and how to talk to their parents.
Please watch the following signs carefully and don’t ignore them, push your Dr., they are not the experts, and you know your child.
• Are they spending a lot of time alone?
• Are they avoiding family events, meals, social events?
• What kind of music are they listening too, is there a morbid overtone?
• Has there been a major trauma in their life, a separation, divorce, loss of a friend?
• Girl of boy trouble, any sexuality issues you may have noticed?
• How do they feel about their self image, do they feel they fit?
• Are they avoiding hobbies or activities that they used to enjoy?
• Giving away favourite or special things or clearing out closets?
• What are the school grades like, have there been major changes?
• Is there excessive sleeping, teens sleep a lot but there us over excessive (for example not wanting to get up and go to the mall with friends)
• Watch for bullying signs, is there avoidance of going to school, is there a name that comes up on a regular basis, e.g. is there a particular name that may come up in a negative way?
• Is there anything you see that brings joy or pleasure to your child?
• Does your child talk about drugs or alcohol and joke about it; come to light up when discussing the subject?
• What about the body language, how does he or she carry themselves, where do they look, are they looking down; this is a sign they are into their brain and thoughts?
• What do they talk about, if they talk?
• Has there been depression, bipolar or suicide in the family in the past, that does not mean that the child is prone but to be aware of warning signs.
• Do not avoid gut feelings and face them head on don’t avoid discussion, you are the parent, not a friend at this time. Insist your child go to counselling, we need to get all of the help and support we can.
• Do you hear your child talking about death or feeling hopeless, helpless, or worthless?
• Is there a lack of appetite or a want to over eat, a form of self destruction?
• Having you noticed crying a lot, rage or being angry or being very high and then very low?
• Having difficulty concentrating, forgetting and feeling easily frustrated and mad at them, more often than being mad at others?

• However in saying that you cannot and are not in control all of the time, cannot be there 24/7 and cannot control chemical imbalances or circumstances out of your control, and in no way are you to blame should your child attempt to take his or her life and sometimes they will continue to make attempts no matter what you do until they succeed. That is a sad and painful truth about depression, it is a monster that takes over and controls aspects if your life when you are least in control.

Here are some resources for help if you think there is even a remote possibility of depression.

Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of British Columbia
The Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of British Columbia is a volunteer driven organization committed to helping people help themselves and …
www.crisiscentre.bc.ca/ – Cached – Similar –

NIMH • Suicide Prevention
Suicide in the U.S.: Statistics and Prevention — a brief overview of suicide in America …Clinical Trials: Current Studies on Suicide Prevention …
www.nimh.nih.gov › … › Mental Health Topics

Google Suicide Prevention and related topics and contact your local Mental health society Immediately, if it is after hours contact the hospital or police for assistance or intervention. This is not a time for soft talk if you believe this is a problem; remember people in crisis learn to hide it well. If something happens, YOU ARE NOT to blame, there are things in life, as difficult as it is to accept that we cannot control.